VOLUME 2 MAIN DISHES

chapter 4
To kill or to be killed? a series of unfortunate conversations or The melancholic death of all patatoes
My sister is finally sitting. So is the future crisis.
SISTER -I love this sushi, it's so tasty! What are you having by the way?
DAD -Something full fat! What's new?
SISTER -Oh well, the site is going great, we have 150 members till now and i rescued a cat on Thursday,it was amazing!Mmmmm...isn't it a bit cold in here, or is it just me?
GRANNY -(Just you,you sexy thing!)
MUM -I think i am ok,we have the heating on,don't we?
DAD -Well yeah sure.
SISTER -Can we turn the air condition on as well?
MUM -Won't it be too much?(i feel it in my fingers, i feel it i my toes, war is all around me and everywhere i go)
BRO -Yeah probably. (here we go!)
ME -We can try it, i guess, if necessary. (and i mean if tottally necessary)
SISTER -Yes please i am freezing, how can you be ok? i don't uderstand you guys.
MUM -(Neither do we).Ok we can turn it on at 23 degrees.
SISTER -27?
MUM -25.no more.i can't stand the heat.
SISTER -28?
MUM -You' ll be ok with 25, trust me.
Mum adjusts the air conditioning at 25,then takes her place at the table again.
SISTER -Who taught you to cook?(they look delicious but today i'm eating sushi)
MUM - My first fiancee's mother.
SISTER -Oh! Didn't you cook?
GRANNY -No not much,never loved it trully.
SISTER -Neither did my mum.She only fried patatoes.
DAD -I grew up with fried patatoes, it was my best.(let us avoid all conspiracies from within for today i feel uniquely unfamilliar)
SISTER -Yes but you were living in a cave! On the other hand so was i when you divorced mum and she went for masters.
DAD -(Everybody knows that, so what?)You were with your grandma!
SISTER -Were we?
BRO -I wasn't involved.
SISTER -(put the blame on me bro) You were there .(we used to talk back then,snif!).
That's the point where my aunt felt the urgent need to urinate which is no big deal had she not stepped on the dog(well.... allow me to be frank, he was severely beaten by his previous owners ,he is violent and you will not like him,the gentlemen will be envious and the ladies will be repelled, you will not like him now and you will like him a good deal less as he bites on).

BRO -JESUS! (wow!you got a tiger in your house.)
GRANNY -Someone do something!(the bell tolls for you honey)
ME -Muuuuum! (is that how you trained him?)
DAD -Fucking dog!He's sooo strong! I knew we should castrate the bastard!
MUM -He's not a bastard he's a genuine puddel. (i'm the only one who loves him truly)
AUNT -AAAAAAaaaah! (what the hec are you talking about?)
SISTER -That was it, that was his prologue,the dog does not want us to like him!

What follows is a scene in fast forward where everybody tries to save my aunt from the teeth of him who shall not be named(or stepped on).A voice is heard from within the croud
SISTER -Where are the bandages?
MUM -In the 3rd shelf on the left,behind the pills.
SISTER -Which pills?
MUM -The antidepression ones...the..the...sleeping pills i mean.Get them quick!
Amongst the fast forwarded croud a large figure in floral pink is slowing till it reaches normal speed,it's my sister heading towards the bathroom but making a small turn to reinforce the warm familly atmosphere...

They get back at the table. A red tweed skirt and a pair of tights is drying on the armchair. My aunt is totally speachless. She is wearing several bandages on her hand and one of my mums skirts. She starts crying, soon she is shudering.
AUNT -I feel so ashamed!I never thought this day whould come!I want to dye!
GRANNY - No you don't, you'll just start dealing with it, like we all do.
AUNT -You do?You never told me!
GRANNY -Well...(whispering) i thought pampers was inappropriate an issue for a widow
DAD -Since we are talking of death, why did you tell your mum you want her to die?
SISTER -I just said i'll be very happy when she does. I'll feel easy, breasy, beautifull, now she is choking me.
BRO - Don't you think you got it a bit too far sis?
ME -You told her that? SISTER -I did indeed.
MUM -Sound's nice right?
ME -Not nice, just incredible. SISTER - It is.
MUM -Incredible?
SISTER -I just want to clarify it wasn't ment to sound incredible.
ME -What was it meant to sound like?I'm curious.
BRO -Grotesque! GRANNY-Curiosity killed the cat.
SISTER -Credibility is important, i wanted to shock her.
MUM -I don't believe we are having this conversation on this day,i don't! GRANNY-Me neither, it's such a hot day for such an issue!
AUNT -(looking at the salad) Is that this french climacteric salad? i mean climax with croutons?
DAD -Yes (gazing at my mum) I mean no it's 'la salade de la periode'.
BRO -You mean seasonal dad (Are you insolent or what?)
ME -It has nothing to do with days mum
MUM -Yes it has, i have been taking .... antidepression pills for a month now and i can't find any peace.
ME -Are they the light ones or the tough ones?You know you..
MUM -The tough ones.
SISTER -Have you asked a doctor if they are appropriate?
ME -I think it's irresponsible to take them without the doctor's permission,they could harm you. A friend's mum was taking stuff as well and then she found out they were bad and started taking Ladose wich are natural, based on plants and she is better.You can try them.
MUM -You know why i take them?
ME -No why?(You take them for me.)
MUM -I take them for you.
ME -So did she, she took them for her son
SISTER -I knew it! They always try to make you feel guilty! What about him?
ME -Shut up you motherkiller!(The guy was gay! )Mum this is a stupid thing to do and the reason is totally morronic.(What is the reason?)
MUM -What have you to say to all that love? Or are you just staring at the ceiling as always? Maybe you should go to work now honey! You! Yes it's you i'm talking to! Don't you look at me ! !(she says, looking ahead of her, then turns to face him, a thin grey line is starting from under the table ) Look at me! Look at me if you dare! I don't believe it !You are smoking!(he looks at her)
DAD -No i'm not (pause) What if i am?
MUM -It will kill you! Oh my god! I can't breath! I feel asphyxiated! It's the smoke!
(FILLET -Are we back at the oven?)
DAD -No, it's the heat honey
(FILLET -I love honey...i can't see though..is it..?)
AUNT -Maybe it's the urine.(still sobbing)
(PATATOES-I'm afraid ...i'll puke!)The patatoes are slowly turning green.
GRANNY -Oh come on! Stop pittying yourself !He's right, it's the heat.
MUM -What heat? I hope you don't mean...

ME -Body heat, it's a movie by Casdan something...i can't recall ,never mind
BRO -He's not talking of that one, he's refering to the one with Pacino and Deniro, right dad?(we have to do something)
DAD -Exactly, but any simillarities with the dinner scene there, shouldn't be seriously taken.Hehe! What you should do is... Remember remember the 25th of december,there is no reason that the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot,right?
BRO -(Oh my god he lost it!) V for VENDETA!
mum - V for Vegina, and we'r looking at it! I'm bored of playing hide and seek all the time .(she takes a patato and chews happily) It kicks ass !(she says loudly)
Mum stands up and starts picking up everyone's plates
MUM -I guess you're all finished and ready for dessert ,am i right? (she wasn't, in fact i was about to have a bite but she tenderly got my fork down)
She dissapears in the kitchen, then the dark corridor, then comes back.
MUM -Ice cream everybody.
The heat is somewhat familliar with us, she's like a surname to our familly or even better, like a signature. But now we are entering unknown territory, the script calls for an unfamilliar atmosphere. Tullu Heat!

VOLUME 3 DESSERT
chapter 5
Scorpio Rising-Your hands around my throat.
ME -I'll turn the radio on, alright everyone?
BRO -Festen your seatbelts! This is your commander speaking, we are flying at 300feet and are approaching dessert territory,hehe!
ME -Hahahaha!

AUNT -Can you get me my jacket please?

ME -Your lifejacket you mean?Ladies and getlemen although it seems highly incredible, we are being highjacked. Kidding! Here you go.
The radio is always a determining factor on all events so now we are listening to Screaming Jay Hawkings's 'I put a spell on you'. Oh! i forgot to specify that this cozy atmosphere is taking place while everybody is waiting for the ice-cream to defreeze...

and BEEP !
SISTER -I think i heard a sound.
AUNT -Me too.
ME - I haven't heard a thing.
BRO -Me neither.
GRANNY-I heard it too.
DAD -It must be my cell.
MUM -No it's not.
The sound is heard again, in continuity.
MUM -It ressembles a 'low battery signal'
AUNT -Exactly!
BRO -Who forgot to charge?
ME -(singing)'I put a charge on you, because you're mine. Stop the things you do. What's up? I ain't lying'.(stops singing) Me neither.I'm up, it's my cell.
I stand up and the comedy starts.
MUM -I doubt it love.This sound reminds me of your handycam low battery signal. AUNT-What's a hadycam?
The obscure object of desire that always stood up for me, felt insulted and stopped signaling.
ME -(Am i carrying a handycam or am i just happy to see you?) Have you any evidence on the case Sherlock?
MUM -I do Jack. It's on top of a tripod right behind the large segoya.
ME -Oh that! It's an excercise for class, fight in interior spaces.
SISTER -I don't believe you ve been filming us all this time!(she starts crying and trying to hide her face with her fake fur coat)
All members turn simultanously to face the hidden camera.
ME -You're right i haven't ,it's digital !
SISTER -You are paranoid! Just like dad!
ME -I take it for a compliment coming from you.
Dad is discretely smilling.(at the camera)
AUNT -This is mad,why are you doing that? (screaming towards the camera)
GRANNY-(towards the camera) I hate the way the wrinkles look in the movies ,you should have told us.(turning at her plate and trying to hide her face with a hanchatchief .) Oh! i feel so ashamed. It's like a reality show.
ME -It is in a way, but with a better casting.
MUM -I hate being framed this way. DAD -It is indeed a bizzare frame,very general with the plant as a 'premier plan'.Looks like a jungle!
MUM - Sometimes i can't understand whose child are you. Probably not mine though.
DAD -Wich reminds me of that time back when i was..
ME - What does that have to do with anything?You 've been analysing it 20 years now. Get to the point.
DAD - a student of architecture and while a prefect.. BRO -Is that an anagram for perfect? DAD -That too, anyway we were sent at this old village to..
(Granny and bro stand up discretlly to visit the sofa, they put on their jackets and scarfs and then back at the table. Mum who always felt at home with the cold and is presently busy with her argumentation speech stays seated, so do i who is unconvensional in general).
MUM -I just don't recognise your behaviour as any achievement of mine. You have nothing to do with my 20year contribution.
DAD -(vaguelly heard)..research on a special kind of. . . hmff . . .never mind. Girls it's getting cold in here.
ME -Right ,but wich 'me' are you reffering to?Cause when we first met, you already had the Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde syndrome and were happy to give birth to a future patient ,thinking you'd be friends. On the other hand i tottaly understand it's a very lonely job being with dad and having no friends, who can blame you?Respect to you for the sacrifice,although this isn't exactly matching with unconditional love, written on the dictionary, under the term mother.

AUNT -Sorry to interrupt but the ice cream is starting to melt...

Everybody is eating the ice cream soup and shivering silently.


SHIVERING?

sinking in a world of violence and terror our dear heroes are left to bring this meeting to an end.what will they do?

next episode THE DARK KNIGHT ON A DIET