The pscychopath dinner gathering
a theatrical play (if not, a circus could do as well)

characters : dad, the sister, the brother,me, mum, grandmum, aunt
Christmas eve at mr.2Cool2Btrue's house..


VOLUME 1-FINGERFOOD

chapter 1
the elders, the dad, his wife and her daughter

My mum is running around the place for 12 plates full of tasty meaty or fishy combinations are waiting to be transported at the table for sacrifice.
-Noooooo! I 'm not waiting! I don't wanna go! I'm not ready to die! screams the fillet aux pommes de terre
-Me neither ! said the solmon in his gravlaxlas sause.I thought it would be fun but..... Lllook! she's coming!she's coming!she's gonna take a bite! My god i'll faint!
-Shut up you cunt, it's me she wants! it's my patatoooooooes! Quick! Sink!
the patatoes start slowly sinking in the sause, mum picks one and looks at it.
-What a bizzare behaviour you're having today, my potatoes never hide! Are you a coward or what? the patato was gonna respond but was rudly interrupted by..
-Mum are they ok ?(at last someone cares for the patatoes) We're starving you know.(that's me!)
-Yeah they're fine!Great! she eats the patato.
Meanwhile my aunt and grandmum, tottaly unaware of a patatos fate, are talking at the sofa faking interest for the same pills and solitude wonderings, but essentially commenting on my dad's relaxed behaviour, wich has totally to do with my mum being a hero for the last 23 years doing everything for a 'being superman's wife' kind of marriage.
-Poor love she's so cute today with her silk dress and high heels, and all to please the weirdo! Had it not been her...who else could have stayed in her place? Oh so cute, soo cute and sssuch a good cook. She's been cooking all night to honor his nameday and him..look at him! Picking phones and being gracious to be remembered..i'd love to see his face if she abandoned them. said my grandma kindly
-them? wondered my aunt
-him and the kid,can you imagine what they'd be like? All dirty with their shirts unironed and living in a mess. Culture and the rest! Crap ! Had it not been for..
-absolutely! chaos whould have been the proper word for home
-they're opinionated artists the truth be told, but in the end life is life, you got to be organised to make a living out of life.
My mum is all aware of the sofa conversation so she kindly interrupts with a comment like
-Oh god! Let us forget and ignore all conspiracies from within for such a day should be lived in union amongst the members of a familly..

Let me properly introduce myself ,i am the beloved kid, half the part of 'them', the gorgeous daughter for dad, the artist for mum ,the 'my daughter', the' your' daughter, the heir of all the familly's riches, the 'cheat' from the moment i faced the world (cause that's what dad called me when i faced them the Day of all days).So the way i see it, things took a mysterious turn from the very beggining but today i will follow the old hippy ritual, and let it be ,for once.


chapter 2
the son of an architect,an architect as well

Now the sofa is housing an unfortunate triangle consisted of my dad my aunt and my granny(talking Christmas bullshit).All is set. The bell is ringing.My bro. For the first time in 15 years he arrives unaccompanied by my other grandmother.Which makes sense since she recetly died. She was the kind of girl who lived to be a 100 but died 2 weeks earlier(rather unfortunate!).Anyway he is chearfull and kind, the well-natured boy, well- recognised as such by all familly commitee's. Dad sits first at the table, wich means 'all members be seated please', the members do start taking their places talking it over as if they are to pick a brand new place ,when all members have sat and one chair is evidently empty all take a look down at their waches then sigh and smile gently at each other.
-I'll kill her sometime, my dad says smilling
-Oh my dear, let us forget and ignore all conspiracies from within for such a day should be lived in union amongst the members of a familly,said my mum.


chapter 3
the daughter of an architect,a pscycopath as well

Silence in the kingdom,the king is silent and his followers ass well, sorry as well, they chat from time to time mainly commenting on the queen's clothes and cooking, the princesse's clothing is a standard topic as well (after all they shop from the same spot). Anyway the conversation reaches a halt since the main topics vary from the terrible fact that each year someone doesn't make it for the Chrisrmas table (the century minus 2 weeks, the century minus 2 years-her husband, my uncle, my other uncles etc) to the amazing quality of mum's homemade cooking. At this point(note :that is half an hour since bite number one) arrives the last and also least of the table,my sister. Had this been a movie a slow motion would have been necessary to express the extravagganza of her appearence, her shape,clothing,and expression while gloriously waving hello,the slow motion whould however stop when she said:
-Everything seems so tasty!but i am on a diet so i brought my vegi-sushi with me! I'm going to prepare it! Does anybody want some?

Everybody freeze please!

Pause. At this point it is absolutely necessary that i describe the (frozen)characters at stake.
*My mum is a 50 year old woman who looks like 35, with a classic ladylike styling that can't hide her athletic figure and personna, who secretly despises skirts. Moreover she is a german raised kid which had a major effect on her pronanciation and pscycology as well . She has a managerial mind she hopes i inherited as well, in order to manage with our heritace but she recently discovered this probably isn't the case, so she is terribly heartbroken. (that's not very obvious but very important still). Once she did something that changed things forEVER.. she married someone like my father(not like him, but him!) who was 15years older, just divorced, with two kids and a workaholic, and made a familly with him.
*My dad is 65 years old and very charming,he is rather dark skined wich matches his mysterious personnality. He is dressed exclusively by my mother who takes special care that he is presentable and casually dressed and not dressed like a casualty presentation.This might seem a bit exagerated but it's actually accurate cause when let alone he picks tramplike clothes and tornapart trainers to look less fortunate, like everybody else. There are two more things to be added 1. he was a heavy smoker but recently did my mother the favour to quit 2.. had anybody from his side of the familly been alive and present at the gathering you whould have guessed why he hates fat people and why he stopped eating at my sisters entry.
*My grandmother is 72 years old and a dynamyte as far as strength is concerned.She is obsessed with travelling and whould be ideal for a Columbia sportswear advertisment. Also she is a very 'ready to make a fuss' kind of type that skips being beaten up cause when things get shitty she paralyses everybody by saying she is 95 and could be their grandmother. Her husband who died of cancer is the reason she is alone and can't even smoke and my mother is the reason she is still living and relatively sane. She has few friends and most of them are either dead or immobilised so she is left alone with my aunt who is a tv freak and recetly a widow(last Xmas)and with whom all communication apart from dog centered conversations (they both have one) faills .
*My aunt is a 70 year old diva whose husband died last year of lung cancer(guess what?he was a smoker!).She was a secretary at the National bank which at the time was runned by her father(the workpath is valid for my granny as well,same dad same bank!) Anyway my aunt wanted to have kids but couldn't go to the gynecologist, although she had a couple of issues to solve, for fear of the moment she'd have to spread open her legs for a closer look. So she never went and never had children which she regreted but finally cured by getting a dog.
*Our fillet aux pommes de terre (you can call it simply fillet) is 15years old and a standard plate at the Christmas table therefore a member of the familly. Unfortunatelly it's whereabouts are unknown to everybody but my mum, who never brought up the issue, but we all love it anyway and that's what matters!
*My brother is a very good looking young man with whom i was in love till someone told me he was my brother(we have a dad in common, and a sister, kind of). He is an architect.He works with my dad(more or less, but aiming for less) and he's 34 (but looks like28). He is the kind of cool guy that isn't so cool in the end, and who always finds the wrong girlfriend(or she finds him). Maybe it's my dad's fault cause he always said that i'm the most appropriate girl for him, so at the moment i am trying to,at least, get him to settle with a friend of mine.
*Me, well...i account myself as the least interesting personna of the familly and anyway i already introduced myself.
*My sister is 37 and already a pscycopath ,sorry a psycologist. She is a catfanatic and tries to make a living out of it, with no great success. She weights 125 kilos which affects her physical and mental health and this of others (interaction at it's best). She spends her time mainly at the internet where she meets either catfanatics or possible lovers, who end up impossible, as well as herself offcourse. Trying to make ends meet she avoids eye contact with both ends and in the end gets an appointment whith my dad and his wallet. In case of high voltage bank debt, it is always taken care of after a bit of existential sobbing all within the same appointment. She has a hard time talking with everybody but my mum and grandmum, who took the understanding headbanging way out of the problem soon enough.
Merry Christmas everybody!


chapter 4
how to please an astronaut

At the moment my sister is at the kitchen preparing the sushi. There is one thing i ought to say about it.
The sushi never excused itself for what it had brought to the familly gathering. How irresponsible of it to bring 122 kilos of a sister ?Chaos followed them, but i never could blame it, after all we've know eachother for a while and it's relatively innocent compared with the other two.By the way my sister didn't excuse herself either.If you are still wondering 'what for?'
the answer is 1. for the delay.
2. for my dad's highblood pressure (it's a classic so she definately was aware of it)
3. for the glass that accidentaly fell from my mums hand at the sushi announcement.(that's not a classic)
4. for the loss of apetite (it infected everyone but myself and my aunt,she always had her way)

The scene takes place in the dinning room table and the kitchen.The first is a freeze frame of 3 people starring immobilised at their plates and another 3 looking at each other.The second is a slow motion(again) of my sister happily preparing the sushi and commenting enthusiasticlly on the wonderfull diet that has lifted 3 kilos of her waist the last week.(For proffesionals of the sort i shall specify it's not a slit screen)

All in all, the only one excited by my sisters arrival were the food association.
-Oooouuf ! No mood for food ! they quietly sighted with relief.
and were overheard by my mum who has some metaphysical powers ever since she started yoga, but who wisely chose not to comment on the event to avoid extra tension.

to be continued...
next episode To kill or to be killed? a series of unfortunate conversations
alternative title The melancholic death of all patatoes

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